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one day a blessing will come. [entries|friends|calendar]
'shlee - blee

[ website | sanctuary. ]
[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[06 May 2004|08:53pm]
umm, just to note yet again for anyone curious or not aware:

i don't use this journal anymore!

just so we're clear!


beware, it's friends only. :)
in 9 years __ will you be there?

i think i am a masochist. [04 Jan 2004|11:20pm]
[ mood | thoughtful ]

my lips are kinda chapped/cut, and everytime i drink juice or something it stings it a lot or when i run my tongue over my bottom lip, it still stings.

yet i only bite down on my lip harder or continue to just make it sting. not because i'm restless, because i like that feeling. feeling of biting and chewing on torn lips with pain? yes.

i don't know what's wrong with me. i have too many quirks.

in 8 years __ will you be there?

[08 Dec 2003|03:54pm]
[ mood | optimistic ]

last call for anyone who wants a christmas card from me? comment if you want one!

in 5 years __ will you be there?

[03 Dec 2003|07:07pm]
i'm back for a bit. ^^; i finished chapter two of that weirdass lotr fic. the one i got so many comments on. the inspiration? macaroni and cheese. :D read if you like.

in 10 years __ will you be there?

[28 Nov 2003|04:11pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]



hiatus on here for a while. i'm going there. where it is SAFEEEEEEEEEE. and locked. if you got an lj and friended me on this journal, feel free to friend me there! kthx, bye.

in 3 years __ will you be there?

[25 Nov 2003|11:47pm]
maybe i am too immature. maybe i should just shut up and stop writing things.
in 3 years __ will you be there?

[24 Nov 2003|07:52pm]
[ mood | pissed off ]

today was so goddamn traumatizing. let's start with me sitting down upset and crying and none of my friends noticing or giving a shit. they were standing right next to me too. they were too busy with their immature lives attempting to flirt with one another. i'm actually really surprised how some of these people have basically de-evolved. it is amazing how some people, one person in particular, who has become SO shallow even emily notices, and emily just got here. i don't want to talk about it, but my GOD .. when i got home .. terrible.

to top it off, my mother actually god MAD at me for crying in the car. " what is it THIS time? " well FUCK YOU, i only have been telling you for the past MONTH. but if you are too stupid, go ahead. oh, did i mention she bought a home entertainment system? new furniture? everything. by looking at it, it must've cost thousands. i come in with an unopened drink and she tells me not to bring it in and go away.

wow, everyone i know is turning into a snob. my mother on the other hand, is becoming a RICH snob. i don't get it. i'm happy with a normal sized tv and a ps2. WHY BOTHER TO BUY ALL OF THAT? my grandma has a tv in her room, my mom has a wide screen tv in her room, and i have an old one in the next room. please tell me WHY we need another tv that happens to cost a lot of money? what the fuck? we could try saving it for more useful things anyway. and she protests when i want to buy a 12 dollar cd yet she lets herself splurge and buy a fucking flat screen. don't get me wrong, it looks great. but .. really. let's be rational.

and i'm sick of having people from my school read this journal and spread these rumors to my friends or other people. i have two words for you people. =)


thanks to you, i'm going to be on somewhat of a hiatus on my friends only livejournal. for those of you who have lj's and are already on my friends list, feel free to add. i promise there won't be any more ranting since everything is in here and is based on problems from this journal. and as for people who don't have lj's and stuff .. i dunno. talking to me or IM'ing me can be the same thing or whatnot. so. yeah. later.

in 4 years __ will you be there?

helen made me do it. [23 Nov 2003|01:42am]
[ mood | weird ]

well, i'm working on .. a really weird parody lotr fic. it involves saruman being obsessed with dresses, pippin being a femme whore, and legolas the pretty elf. it's really dumb. =D

what i have so far.Collapse )

in 6 years __ will you be there?

[22 Nov 2003|11:43pm]
[ mood | enthralled ]

okay, ffx-2 has taken me captive.

long game review-ish thing.Collapse )

in 2 years __ will you be there?

[20 Nov 2003|09:31pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

screw this math project, i don't care anymore.

now that's out of the way .. this just caught me off guard.:

pantaloutha82: hey
pantaloutha82: do u no nicole lyons' sn?
pantaloutha82 signed off at 8:42:56 PM.


that is all i have to say about that. - cough. COUGH. - ugh. anyway.

so i get ffx-2 tomorrow! yessssssssss. it's like charlie's angels on crack, i agree. but i still want to play it nonetheless. i hear from reviews it's not even one of those deep thinker kinda plots, it's just this light, care-free adventure with three girls and completing missions. well whatever. [ besides i think gunshooter yuna is fucking cool. ] squeeeee! i can't wait. and and i don't think i can go to the show on saturday. ._.; UGH, i'm reeeeeeeeally sorry danny. i really want to fucking go. BELIEVE ME. i heart the river city rebels and and god, it would be so fucking cool. i've been looking forward to it for about .. two months. but at the LAST minute, my mother says " oh yeah, your cousin from the city is visiting tomorrow. she's sleeping over and you're spending all of saturday. " uhhh right. thank you, mother. now YET AGAIN, i'm going to disappoint danny. fkjdsngsdg. i'm a bad person. fuckkk. i mean i can't, obviously, ditch my cousin .. i haven't seen her in months. and. of all weekends. she comes this weekend. ><;

so um yeah. stress. but my stomach feels better, if any of you wanted to know. it seems i just needed a day off from school to sleep and rest from a giant crapload of stress this week. might i add everyone is saying " stop taking things to heart so much " or " you're thinking too much about it ". that fucking aggravates me. OKAY, that's nice. go fuck off. if everything was happening to YOU, you would act the same way. whores. leave me alone. i'll deal with it the way i want.

yeah, my mother was being a bitch about that one. " oh so what do you want me to do? say OH IT'S A SERIOUS PROBLEM for you? " ewwww go away mom. i hate you.

kdfnsg. i dunno where this week will go. i just want it to be overrrrr.

why do all my entries start out with a good mood but end in rants?! i don't understand ..

in 3 years __ will you be there?

[19 Nov 2003|05:33pm]
[ mood | worried ]

blah, i have so much work. i have to study for a science test, spanish quiz, and a retake of my math test. not to mention my path portfolio project on polar coordinates .. and then another math quiz on friday. urgh. the pressure. >_<;

and to ENLIGHTEN this load of work, i have to go to my tutor today at 8-freaking-pm and leave at like .. 10 or so. that's just .. wrong. and today, my mom was like " okay, we're going to the doctor " after she picked me up from school. OF ALL TIMES, WOMAN! she picks TODAY, which happens to be the most hectic. ugh. and then in the morning she asked me if my stomach hurt and i said yes and she started just ... just stupid crap came out of her mouth that was centered around that i was faking it or something or how it " conveniently comes up when i get up for school and not the weekends ". i'm sorry!! i don't CONTROL my organs. god. and then she yelled at me for having pains. uh, yeah. fuck you. then i said maybe they were stress induced from school or something and she goes " oh, well what are you going to do? quit SCHOOL? god. " wow, i wanted to rip her head off. then i said that erin got medicine to treat it instead of "quitting school" then my mother told me to shut up about things i didn't know about. okay, HMM. have YOU ever known someone diagnosed with these kinds of pains? fucking hell. my mother is an inconsiderate little bitch and should go rot somewhere in an alley, i wouldn't give two shits about her. what a fucking ass. gjiskgmlsfgh.

yeah. anyway. i don't know if i'll be able to go out this week. which sucks because i like .. HAVE to go to this river city rebels show. or else. yes, or else. and it's not a pretty else. i don't care if you deny it, there WILL be an ugly "else" if i don't go. fijksg. i don't .. i can't handle life in general. ._.

i want thanksgiving break now! turkey, food, and nice cousins to talk to. not a STUPID, IDIOTIC, INCONSIDERATE MOTHER. i mean really. has she ever given THOUGHT to what she does sometimes? she's so .. dumb .. it just amazes me.

notice how like every rant i have is about my mother. i see a pattern.

today, everyone really pissed off erin and she was mad at everyone except me. in the "group". yeah, fuck that. i'm not part of it anymore. i don't even care about them anymore, nor do i talk to them. whatever. nick isn't really .. pissing me off. ugh, i don't care anymore. i don't have the passive-ness to just keep going with this whole thing when he STILL doesn't know why he got on my case. so why bother. gabe says i'm too opinionated and passionate about things. i should just let things go and be passive. a lot of people say that. i wish i could. i really do. but it's just who i am .. even if i do want to change it. anyways, erin says she really wants to transfer out too. wouldn't it be IDEAL if we both did? to nvot, nonetheless. as much as people say they hate it, i was talking to helen and stuff. and she says well, compare cdw and dwight. if you didn't like cdw, then nv wouldn't be the place for me. but honestly? i'm not just saying this because of the friends i have there, but i really did like cdw. at least a lot better than dwight. honestly, now that i look at it, my middle school was like infinity times better and i was at least 80% more decent/happy feeling. compared to what i go through, old tappan is god's light. wow and that is saying something.

too bad i probably won't be able to. =\

fuck riverdale, man.

anyway. what can i do now, just bitch. poo. so much for ideal dreaming. this is getting too long and pointless, i'll stop noww.

in 7 years __ will you be there?

[18 Nov 2003|08:14pm]
[ mood | grateful ]

thank you to everyone who wished for me to feel better. in the comments, in the messages, and IM's. i was surprised at how many people responded or even really cared about it .. anyways, i felt a lot better after reading all of it. it's nice to know that some people care. [ especially when i have to attend school with .. urgh .. those people all this week. ]

i slept for a few more hours and stuff, so i feel good. ate a cold cut sandwich while clicking away at ragnarok.

bah, i ran out of things to say. now i'm needlessly typing because i want something to do. ugh, i have to go to tutoring at 8 pm tomorrow. because i didn't go today and tomorrow i have to wait for people to leave, so i have to go learn pre calc crap at 8 PM. FIJKNSDM,GDFJKM. yes, mother. this fits PERFECTLY as a recovery. geez.

... anyway. yeah. yep. support. right. i feel supported. yes.

psst. sorry, helen. you were right. i'm officially a LOOOOSER for adding these ro songs to my playlist. hee hee. couldn't help it.

in 6 years __ will you be there?

evil tummy ache. [18 Nov 2003|12:20pm]
[ mood | sick ]

kill bill quiz.Collapse )

i'm home sick from school. i just have this giant problem with my stomach and stuff. every morning when i get up, i feel so sick and i'm late for school everyday because i have to sit there on my bed for like ten minutes to make sure i'm alright. i dunno, my mom won't take me to a doctor. fuck it. i felt like crap this morning and went to the bathroom cause i thought i was gonna be sick. erin tried to give me some medicine that i had to refuse because my throat started to close up. i let her go to math cause she was late, and since emily had a free, she walked me to the nurse and stayed with me the whole time. [ and it took my mom forever to get notified to take me home ] i have to say, she was a big help because she cheered me up a lot. :D thank you, emilyyyyy. then she walked me to the car when my mom came, and i gave her the galileo book because i didn't need it anymore.

ah, then i just crawled into bed kind of miserable and had some hot chocolate and read some. then i got up and was forced to eat something by my mother and i just decided to watch some more haibane renmei. i really am starting to like it. [ even if the subtitles are kind of crappy. ]

bleh, i did need a day off. i was dizzy as hell and i think it's starting to go away.

that is all.

in 14 years __ will you be there?

[17 Nov 2003|11:39pm]
[ mood | complacent ]

um hi. new layout, kthx.

it features naru from love hina and stuff. yep. best viewed at 1024 x 768 res. this was me trying to procrastinate from doing my physics homework and thus, a layout is born. well sort of. o_x;

yep. that is all.

[ i'm youthful and stupid, good night. says gabe and i agree. i need sleep. ]

in 7 years __ will you be there?

[17 Nov 2003|05:12pm]
[ mood | bored ]

sunday sucked so hard.

anyway, today was just as boring. but i stole erin's hat, which gabe thinks looks dorky, but what ISN'T dorky about me already? so blah, wear the hat. it's fluffy.

i didn't do much today, i guess. just bought some gingerbread dough to bake for next week at my cousin's on thanksgiving. omggg, that is my favorite holiday. where you just STUFF YOUR FACE with really good food. the whole day is dedicated to eating. [ and we wonder why america is so obese, we have holidays to celebrate it almost ] the only highlight of my day was when i was standing outside waiting for my mom to come. mahvish just got into her car and so me and emily were standing there. so then i started randomly tiki dancing for a while ..

me: :: dancing. ::
*five minutes later*
emily: ashley, we're being watched.
me and emily: ....
*five seconds later*
me: :: continues dancing. ::

and then later.

me: 'kay, bye emily!
emily: see ya.
me: :: gets into car, then drives to the exit pathway. :: hmm.
me: :: rolls down window. :: POLAR BEARS!!!!!! :: rolls window back up. ::
emily: :: hobbles away laughing/dying. ::
my mom: ... wtf. o_o

mahvish's sister thinks i'm a weirdo. ahem. so yeah, then vincent asks me why i'm so mad/hostile to him. MY GOD, as if it isn't obvious enough. evan brushes me off. nick .. well .. i don't even want to talk about it. and URRRRRGH. i fucking hate being in school so much. i had a shitty night last night because i knew i would have to go back to this hellhole full of all these ignorant people that are just .. i can't explain it. it seems there is nothing wrong, but i know there is. this intuitive thing. it's not paranoia just .. erf. and as justin said, d-e is not the place for me. it's really ruining me everyday. i get so upset everyday. erin, emily, gabe. they are about the only people that aren't .. fake. [ however i haven't talked to gabe in a while ] and stuff. then all of my friends seem to hate erin for some reason, when she is not doing anything wrong, she's just reacting to everyone's bullshit just like i would. and they blame her saying she is so ditzy and blah blah. get a grip, people. you wouldn't know a mature person if they shoved a rod up your ass. god.

so ANYWAY. thanksgiving break is next week and i think i'm planning to see justin and the others again. this time, it won't be so awkward-ish, i think. yeah.


i'll end this with a quiz and a long ass survey because i'm a loser.

hi.Collapse )

in 5 years __ will you be there?

[16 Nov 2003|09:41pm]
[ mood | lazy ]

i spent the entire day in front of the tv as a couch potato. go me!

i played a teensy bit of ffviii and did some extra leveling in ffix. and i also got a call saying x-2 would arrive on tuesday! ff maniaaaa. nothing else really. i saw the first episode of haibane renmei at helen's and i'm planning to finish the rest from the set gabe gave me. i really didn't think it was that bad.

i also had no idea such a variety of people read my journal. :: waves. ::

and while i was talking to justin last night, he mentioned something about asking if the coldness went away. :o i realized that, and well maybe not realize for the first time but maybe i think i know why people didn't talk to me so much. i dunno, just some people say when they first meet me, i give off the impression that i'm a little cold and a teensy bit distant. some cases, they think i don't feel like talking to anyone and that i'm kind of upset. which is not the case! anyone who really knows me that i just take a while to warm up to people and i'm a bit shy. i admit. jennifer knows! she says it's an ashley thing. eh. maybe it's not so bad though. then the people that really would want to be your friends wouldn't be scared off and want nothing to do with you! i make no sense. does this make sense to anyone? nah.

or maybe i'm just weird.


that never occurred to me! oh wait, yes it did.

screw it.

i think more people are mad at me, btw. as i'm heaving a sigh, i wonder if i'll EVER get to a remotely acceptable point of being. yeah, JUST when i make up with people, it's gone. well fuck that shit. i want my cream cheese, my creamy creamy cheese. cheesy cheesy cream!


will you be there?

" do you realize .. that you have the most beautiful face? " [16 Nov 2003|12:04am]
[ mood | jubilant ]

the flaming lips were stuck in my head the whole week. every time in school when someone would say the world "realize" in class, all of a sudden "do you realize" would pop into my head and i would envision that vh1 commercial .. kinda weird. but yeah. i really love that fun. i got to see justin and jun today, along with some of their other friends. pretty funny song.

today was nice. it started off like eehh, then in the middle was eh, then the end was just people. i saw master and commander .. might i say, it was boring. i didn't really like it. the end-middle part was good though. the end sucked. umm, really gory. lol. jun kept poking me at random frequent times saying he was hungry. then afterwards, i was forced to play pump .. i'm really surprised i got all a's on the hard songs. i am so out of shape, i have no idea how i managed.

all in all, i drooled over justin's ffxi mousepad. and played soul calibur ii at helen's. hehe. did i mention, i took that soul calibur ii test on justin's blog .. and i got ivy? both helen and justin's reactions were like " ... oh. " or " IVY? you got IVY? o___O " yeah, i can see why. but the scarier part is i like using her the best. XD or at least compared to that .. um .. oh crap, i forgot his name. started with an h. not heihachi though. and i like kilik! he is sexy.

justin got .. tall. and has a lot of muscle now. lol.

jun has .. longer hair. [ BEAST!! ]

jung didn't come. =[

um um yeah. lol. the reason why i didn't talk a whole lot after the arcade was cause i had this .. really .. weird slushie. it wasn't even a slushie. it was all melted and gross and tasted like carbonated nyquil. whatever though .. i became .. blagsjkfgmfsg. then i snapped out of it later. :D yay!

I SAW BECCA AND JEN TODAYYYYYYYY. i ate all of jen's chips. mm they were good.

and and yeah. jun's friends thought i was nice. which was surprising cause i felt as if i didn't belong and blah blah. i'm too shy and a bit paranoid. jfkdsgf. that's what you get for going to DWIGHT ENGLEWOOD and having all your friends treat you like shit and ignore you. but whatever. that was nice. it made my day.


ok, i'm done. bye.

in 4 years __ will you be there?

[13 Nov 2003|11:46pm]
[ mood | hyper ]

ScHnOtTy637: brb comp switch
ScHnOtTy637: ;;does mambo;;
ScHnOtTy637: remember that black guy
bloodlust seras: WHAT
bloodlust seras: LOL
ScHnOtTy637: named loubega
ScHnOtTy637: i hated that fucking song
ScHnOtTy637: brb comp switch
bloodlust seras: - dies -

Auto response from ScHnOtTy637: that john denver is full of shit

i suddenly feel a lot better about my life. maybe it's because i feel actually appreciated by these people. =D it's good to regain good terms with lost friends. [ but ya know, ernie was ALWAYS my friend. lol. ] but yeah. i feel so hyper and in good spirits because of everyone. everyone as in my lj friends, my online friends, people i met last year in cali, people in nvot. the whole lot of them cheered me up a lot tonight since today was complete shit. i just hope this carries over to tomorrow. ._.

so in conclusion, umm. yeah. fuck d-e friends. except two or three. yeah, i tried to talk to the others about this but it proved as STUPID and futile as i thought it would be. can't they understand to look PAST the small details? ugh. whatever.

k, i gotta go. night peoples.

a screaming orgasm.Collapse )

in 2 years __ will you be there?

the alternative choice to profiling. [13 Nov 2003|11:13pm]
[ mood | amused ]

bloodlust seras: no one reads it, lol.
HadokeN 63: well, now i know that you consider me a no one. :'(
HadokeN 63: but, then again no ones perfect
HadokeN 63: and im a no one
HadokeN 63: so im perfect
bloodlust seras: you know i didn't mean that, lol.
HadokeN 63: true. i just enjoy watching others feel sorry for me. that is why i plan to have a malignant tumor inserted in my brain tomorrow
bloodlust seras: ROFL

yep. it's good talking to brian again. =]

will you be there?

[12 Nov 2003|06:24pm]
[ mood | predatory ]

alright, i feel much better about my school situation. why? because i discussed this with my mother after breaking into sobs in the car for like the fifth time in a week. i cannot STAND this school and the people in it. i cannot STAND everyday one of my "friends" saying " i didn't mean to ". thank you for abusing the meaning. people can thank all of you because i won't believe a word of that crap anymore. you're all wrapped up and obsessed with yourselves and your personal lives, flirting, relationships, trying to look good. you all used to be such good people. now, i don't even know what to think of you anymore. i don't think i know you anymore.

there are only TWO people i can stand and that i absolutely love in this school. one of them is graduating this year. [ you guessed it, it's gabe ] bleh.

so why do i feel better about this, you ask? my mother knows about this. and i told her everything. she thinks it's a serious problem [ and that she's getting tired of my outbursts afterschool ] and says she will talk to my tutor about different schools i can go to. so, you know what. i don't care what you selfish people think anymore. i really don't. why? because i'll probably be leaving soon. and i'll never have to put up with you ever again if i wanted to.

i think starting over in a new school is much better than watching all your former friends turning into really ignorant assholes that treat you like shit.

and don't even try to be offended or say you are about this. OFFENDED? offended. any of you being offended right now, does not amount and nor ever will amount to what i have been feeling for the past two months. so don't even THINK of saying that you're offended. unless you want to prove yourself as yet another complete self-centered idiot. friends that are nice to you one on one, and then treat you like dirt once everyone else comes around or if their boyfriend/girlfriend comes around, are not FRIENDS in my book. those are just people that take up my time and their time to have someone to talk to. this isn't a friendship. think twice before you relate to me as your "friend" when you're a FUCKING IGNORANT SHIT TO ME. so go fuck your significant other and stop giving me empty apologies. okay? okay.

so! besides that. everything else goes ... okay. umm yeah. i don't want to put anything down here, most of it is too personal. maybe in my locked journal. =]

in 3 years __ will you be there?

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